You know when something is so naff that it doesn't even register on your agenda? Something that is so implausibly bad that it doesn't even warrant a mention? One of those things that is so terrible that you assume that its reputation precedes it and that everyone in every industry is fully aware of how truly awful it is?
Well I'm going to tell you about one of those things; for it seems to have slipped under the radar for many.
This particular 'thing' is mentioned on page one of the Terrible Copywriting Handbook. In bold. Underlined several times in biro. And highlighted with the most florescent pen that Stabilo Boss has ever produced.
This 'thing' is a phrase. A simple little phrase that sucks in amateur marketers like a speed eating pasta fan in a spaghetti factory. They love the fact that is contains a cute rhyme and they are overawed with its seemingly limitless flexibility.
But they are blind to its truly evil nature.
I am of course referring to the hateful 'Your one stop shop for all your [insert product or service] needs' phrase.
Am I over reacting? Well let me put it into context for you so that you can begin to understand how widespread the infection is. Below are a few real life situations in which this phrase has been utilised.
'Your one stop shop for all your fashion needs'
'Your one stop shop for all your audio needs'
'Your one stop shop for all your merchandise needs'
'Your one stop shop for all your flip flop needs' (I kid you not!)
'Your one stop shop for all your bartending needs'
'Your one stop shop for all your baby's needs'
'Your one stop shop for all your aquarium needs'
'Your one stop shop for all your pre-paid needs'
'Your one stop shop for all your furniture needs'
'Your one stop shop for all your IT needs'
'Your one stop shop for all your wedding needs'
'Your one stop shop for all your paintball needs'
'Your one stop shop for all your CV and derivative needs'
And that's just for starters.
Even the big boys are at it. Wal Mart, the world's biggest public corporation, has used the phrase in press material. Is it unreasonable to think that the riches required to make it onto the Fortune Global 500 list could buy some half decent marketing? Apparently so.
Surely you'd never find a marketing company using this nauseous phrase to promote its services.... not even ironically.
Wrong.
A quick Google search reveals that there are indeed marketing companies that use the phrase 'your one stop shop for all your marketing needs'. Would you employ a marketing agency that demonstrated such a lazy approach to its own promotion? I mean, really?
For those of you that are with me on this one, I'd like to propose a new word for inclusion in the English dictionary. A simple acronym of 'that' phrase - yossfayn.
Yossfayn adj Brit slang in poor taste: especially when some numpty offers a naff idea for a client's marketing campaign during a brainstorming session (it's a bit yossfayn isn't it?).
Still, as they say, every cloud has a silver lining - whilst researching this piece I came across a little gem.
'Your one stop shop for all your fertility needs'
The mind boggles.